Fear.

I am afraid. It’s that simple. I am absolutely terrified.

——-

I keep myself busy to the point I can hardly function, going going going.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being busy; I love having things to do; I love growing in knowledge and spirit; but sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed with where life is taking me, rather, where I am taking my life.

I have such a burning desire, a deep heart-wrenching desire to make an impact in this world.  I want to so badly.  I want to leave college prepared to do everything I can to make this world a better place, to bring a little bit of God’s Kingdom to earth.  I want to free children from bondage, women from trafficking, families from poverty, and my impatience is driving me crazy.

That is why I chose law school.

I thought, what is the next step after undergrad that I can take to be that much closer to action, that much closer to change, that much closer to justice? I want to know my boundaries, and I want to know exactly what kind of action I can take to accomplish my goals. Law school it is.

But I’m afraid.

I am driven. I am passionate. I am confident, but man…I am afraid.

I am afraid of not getting into the school that I want to, because I desperately want to get into a Top 20 school.

I am afraid of not being prepared going in.

I am afraid of being isolated.

I am afraid of moving, yet again, to a completely new state with no family or friends for support, while going through the most academically rigorous and emotionally taxing years of my life.

I think most of all I am afraid of making it through law school and being alone. This is the hardest for me to admit…but if there is anything that I have dreamt of being since I was very little, it was a mother.  I have always wanted to raise a family, and I am so terrified that my drive for school and for my future, will leave relationships on the side-line.

This probably sounds so ridiculous. I am 21-years-old, and I have felt so much weight on my shoulders to figure out how the next ten years of my life is going to pan out.  It certainly does not help that I go to a school that has been called the “Bridal Institute Of Los Angeles.”  So many people getting hitched, it makes me sick. Seriously.

——-

Oh God, how I need your strength and your love. I know you can give me courage to conquer all of my fears, God, please help me relinquish control and lay my fear at your feet, God.  You promise to comfort those in need, and your Word says you will never leave me nor forsake me, God.  Please, wrap your arms around me, help me feel your presence.  You are all I need, God, you are all I want. Please come into my fears and give me peace and patience.  I know you are in control and you are orchestrating the details of my life, God, please keep me from trying to rearrange your story, because I know the storyline you have laid out for me is fruitful and promising. 

God, I realize a lot of my fear is due to my lack of trust and lack of faith, God. I pray that you continue to break me down and humble me until I am all yours, God, because that is what I desire.  In everything, God, I want all glory to go to you.  You hold my days in your hands, you know the numbers of hairs on my head, and the number of years in my life.  I pray for intimacy with you, God. I know you can bring me peace in my fear and comfort through these life decisions. I love you, God. Thank you for being my Rock and my Salvation, and a loyal, dear friend.


3 thoughts on “Fear.

  1. Matt the Mexican says:

    My dearest Lydia,

    Never doubt yourself. You are one of the strongest women I know. There is NOTHING you can’t do. Your accomplishments up to now and your knowledge are a testament to how hard working and steadfast you are.

    Never think you are alone. Wether near or far, you have friends everywhere. I will always be here to support you. No matter what.

    I love you Lydia. You got this. =) ❤

  2. Madre' says:

    I love you, dearheart. You have a heart of gold. You have a passion for things that matter eternally. You have a heart that gets broken for the things that break the Father’s heart. You know that He is your strength, but it still is hard sometimes, just living life–especially when life is at the level it is for you. When it crescendos to a point where it makes your head spin.

    Breathe. Pray and do as much listening as speaking–if not, more than.

    God has blessed you and gifted you in SO many ways; and you deeply bless SO many people, not the least of which are your mom and dad. I love the stories you tell me of how you bless people–and you probably don’t even realize that’s what you’re telling me.

    It’s not easy, when your heart is so wanting to be a part of big things for God’s plan, and you’re not sure how that’s going to play out. Even at 50–I come across those same fears, believe it, or not.

    But what I do know is: God IS moving. God IS working. Even in the waiting. Even in the silence and even in the fear.

    Breathe. Know you are loved. So very, very much by me. And that doesn’t even compare to His love for you. But you know that.

    You ARE a beautifully strong person. But, fortunately (really) we’re all helpless, so that we know just where to go for strength. And NOTHING will separate you from His love–not our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow (Romans 8:38).

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