Dear Jane,

It is your first birthday today. Right now, you are napping in your crib after falling asleep nursing. You are so independent that even in your sleep, you wish to be on your own and in your crib as soon as possible. If you fall asleep in my arms, you usually push for your freedom to be asleep in your crib. But not this afternoon. I held you a little longer before letting you down, and you let me. Thank you for letting me savor you a little longer.

I have the sound on the monitor higher than usual right now so I can hear your quiet snores above the heater in your room. I want to remember those sighs.

zzz…shhh
zzz…shhh

The cadence calms me.

Over the last year, we have spent hours together in that brown and white chair in your room. Early mornings, late nights, and the hours in between.  From those early days when your dad and I had to stroke your cheek and move your arms in a circle to keep you alert so you would eat to the most recent days when you reach out to me after bedtime stories with dad for some nursing before bed. Each month was new. You grew, and I grew with you.

zzz…shhh
zzz…shhh

I am tender today knowing that these moments will now be fading as we start to wean. These moments with you were precious and life-giving while simultaneously being very hard for your momma physically and emotionally. I know this is the right time to start this transition for the both of us, but it does leave me tender, oh so tender.

zzz…shhh
zzz…shhh

Janie Lu, my sweet, smiley, bubbly, baby girl. You bring my life joy and laughter every day. You show me God’s goodness and bring me hope in some of my darkest moments. You humble me and are teaching me how to let go of some of my One tendencies for perfection and order (in everything – parenting, postpartum body/mind, work/life balance) in exchange for unstructured time with you. You have changed everything, and I cannot imagine life without you. Happy 1st Birthday!

Love,
Momma