I can’t believe it is already February!
I went to Minneapolis a little over a week ago to visit a bunch of friends from my cycling tour this last summer, as well as my dear friend Andrea from drum corps who I hadn’t seen since 2008 DCI finals. Seeing this group was refreshing and filled my spirit, but it was also very challenging.
Learning to Grieve
The weekend in Minneapolis surfaced emotions I suppressed throughout this healing process. I realized I am beginning to grieve, and I am beginning to understand more deeply that nothing will ever be the same. As an optimistic person, coming to this realization was difficult (and even harder to admit on here–my pride sometimes gets in the way). Cognitively I have known this from the start, but emotionally and spiritually I hadn’t let it sink in.
The weight of this realization is heavy and I humbly ask for your prayer and support as I move forward and begin to grasp the beauty of what lies ahead. Having control and an understanding of my body (metabolism, energy, weight, etc.) brought me confidence and I realize now, much of my worth and self-image. I will never have the ability to completely control these aspects of my life again, and I’m going to have to deal with it –and I am.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
Last week I received my acceptance letter from Chicago-Kent College of Law. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that were paired with receiving this letter. I immediately remembered when I received the same letter last year, sitting in my apartment in California. I remember the day I chose to uproot and move across the country again, and the peace that came when I put the letter on our fridge after making my decision. It’s been quite the ride to get to this point.
Maybe I’ll wait to put it on the fridge this time, until after I begin classes 😉
Many of you know I woke up from surgery last August and found a video tweeted to me by a professor I would have had for 1L Contracts. He sent me a tweet of my would-have-been classmates cheering for me. It was a very memorable and special moment–it made me feel remembered and cared about by people I have never met. You can watch the video here: http://telly.com/LJGI6.
This weekend, I received another encouraging note by a stranger:
Little moments like this bring me hope and peace. I struggle with days where I feel useless, embarrassed and guilty for not already finding full-time work or school, and feeling as though I’m disappointing those who know my drive and my passion to be on the move and help people in more explicit ways. While there is a level of irrationality in this, I think it comes full circle, back to the grieving process.
I hope my transparency doesn’t come across as “woe-is-me.” I believe it is important to be honest about this walk, and I am learning not to undermine some of the deepest struggles I have faced, internally and externally. I pray that people who are walking through similar situations will find this blog honest and true, and not glamorizing or overly dramatic.
Again, thank for reading my words and being part of this journey with me. Your encouragement has been steadfast and appreciated–you are loved.