Highest highs and lowest lows

April 22, 2013May 10, 2013Leave a comment

Wow, what a whirlwind of a weekend. I’m still finishing up my duties with Halftime Magazine, but I needed to take a moment to digest everything that has happened in the last week–it has been quite the roller coaster.

I went to the hospital the night before I left for Indy and Dayton, because I had burning in my chest. I have a higher chance for blood clots these days, so I wanted to make sure everything was OK before I drove (driving more than an hour in the car, increases the risk for blood clots as well). I would normally ignore slight pain like this, but I know I can’t do this anymore. They never found the solution to the burning, but since there was nothing alarming in my charts, I convinced them to let me leave.

High fives all around for talking my way out of staying overnight and for taking the time to stop home and bring good reading material!

I cannot stand the tube they leave in my arms for IV’s. Boo.

WGI World Championships

After being released from the hospital around 11 p.m., I had to finish packing and get everything ready for driving down immediately after work the next day. It was rough waking up around 6 the next day after this ordeal, working 8-5 p.m., and then driving down to Indy, but I made it safely!

As expected, WGI World Championships was incredible. After playing marimba in indoor percussion for nine years, this was my first year aged out and watching from the other side. I came with Halftime Magazine, and enjoyed manning the booth with our editor, watching shows in the lot and inside, as well as interviewing people for the magazine.

I enjoyed all of the groups I watched, and I was especially proud of my home team, RCC. It was bizarre not performing with them, but it was a joy to just sit back and soak it in. I adore the members and staff–so many wonderful memories.

This is my favorite weekend of the year, and it has been what I’ve been looking forward to since I moved to Chicago, and especially since I was diagnosed. Knowing that I would be reunited with so many dear friends, kept my spirits up on the lowest days. When I returned from Italy, after I learned I would be having surgery again, I found a box at my apartment of over 45 letters of past and current RCC members and staff. It was so special, and I anxiously waited for the day I could see everyone in person again. It had been nearly a year.

Letters from my RCC friends.

I was sick to my stomach excited to see everyone! I am extremely thankful, however, that people weren’t expressing pity when they saw me, but instead reciprocated the pure excitement I felt (THANK YOU!). At the same time, I had so many heart-felt conversations with people who have been following my story. Three people in particular offered so much love and support that I would have never anticipated. I am blessed (have I said that enough lately? 🙂 )

It has been non-stop since I got off work last Tuesday and drove down here. After several nights of 3-5 hours of sleep back to back, my body is in dyer need of recuperation before surgery on Friday. Or maybe not, I’ll have plenty of time to sleep then 😉

RCC’s finals performance.

Rest in peace, Sue

While I was gone, I received the incredibly sad news that a dear friend lost her battle with cancer Friday night. Since I moved to Chicago, I have had the privilege of spending time with Sue and grew very attached to her emotionally. Every time I saw her, she quickly asked how I was doing and told me she was thinking of me all the time… I tried to show her that there wasn’t a day I didn’t think of her.

I struggled a lot with Sue’s kindness, because her cancer was so much more progressed, but still she wanted to know how I was doing. It made me sick with guilt many days. I wrestled with God and asked why He was going to take a wife and mother from this world, and leave me, a single woman with no dependents. I spent many evenings in prayer and tears over this–and until recently, I never told anyone.

A week a go, I was over at her home, and she was quickly declining. Everyone there told me that she continually asked about me. I walked into her bedroom, and sure enough, she immediately asks how I am doing and tells me she thinks of me all the time. It took every ounce of control to not completely lose it right there. She wanted to know about my surgery, but also about my trip to Italy. It was beautiful to see her smile when I talked about some of my favorite parts of my trip.

I will never forget the next day–the last time I saw her. My friend Kim and I were talking to her about heaven, and as she closed her eyes, I wondered if she could already see glimpses of it. I noticed moments of peace wash over her, and those moments were unforgettable. She was telling us she can’t wait to be cancer-free and to give my Aunt Bonnie a hug (Bonnie passed away suddenly almost exactly three years a go).

Sue passed away while I was in Dayton for WGI, and I felt terrible for being away. I haven’t really had time to process this yet, and while writing this, the weight is starting to set in. I am so sad that I will be having surgery Friday and likely won’t be able to come to her celebration service.

Sue was a beautiful, kind, spunky, hilarious, compassionate, selfless and Godly woman. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers during this time, she is greatly missed.

Sue and her beautiful daughter (and my dear friend/cousin), Casey.

I love you, Sue, and I am so blessed to have known you, and I am truly forever changed. Please give Aunt Bonnie a big hug for me–I can’t wait until we are all reunited again. It must be so beautiful where you are; I can’t wait to see.

Redemption to my story

April 10, 2013May 10, 20134 Comments

Since my trip to Italy, life just continues to look up.

The new job is great. I feel valued and challenged at the same time–which is the perfect balance. I have been getting up around 5 a.m. most mornings to get my runs in for the 1000 mile challenge and packing a healthy lunch and working vigorously from 8-5 p.m. I love feeling productive again.

Law school

The most exciting news since my last post is that I have registered to start law school this summer! Instead of waiting until the fall, I have registered to take Criminal Law this summer. I could not be more excited. We had an admitted students weekend last week, and I met some awesome ladies from my entering class, as well as a few people who would’ve been my classmates this year, who I have been connected with via Facebook. It was so encouraging to meet them in person and to feel so welcomed and supported. I can’t believe I would already be finishing up my first year–so much has changed since last August.

Chicago-Kent College of Law entering students

I also received exciting news that I am one of five finalists for a full tuition scholarship. I am so thankful to even be considered in the top five, and it would radically change my life if I am actually blessed with this gift. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s so exciting to think of the possibility.

Surgery #2

There is still a small chance I won’t be able to do the summer class, but I am doing everything I can to make it happen. The only reason I would pull out is if a complication from my second surgery (April 26) is too great for me to handle on top of school.

As I mentioned before, there is a high chance of at least temporary damage to my vocal chords this time around. They are putting a large tube down my throat to hopefully prevent permanent damage, but in doing so, my vocal chords will be stretched and could be damaged up to six months post-surgery. We will have no idea until I wake up that morning. The Assistant Dean of Admissions has been so supportive and understanding–I can wait until the class is supposed to start and make my decision. She said she would easily shift my start to fall if I need to and I wouldn’t lose any money. She was the same person I talked with last August, when I had to defer school, so she has been following my story.

My story arc

Lately I have been noticing a certain redemption in my story that is starting to unravel. There has been a story-arc to the last eight months of my life which I could never have prepared for. Someone told me being diagnosed with cancer soon after moving across the country and then having to defer law school a year is just a “detour in my life,” but I would have to disagree. The longer I walk this road, the more I realize how instrumental this chapter of my life is. Instead of a detour, I believe it has firmly directed me down the road I was already journeying toward.

While I still have another surgery and a few more months before I can see if I am cancer-free, the countless blessings and answers to endless prayers I have seen realized in the last month is the hope I have been seeking and waiting patiently for. Thank you, Jesus.

^“In those days when you pray, I will listen.If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.I will be found by you,” says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:13-14)

My April calendar picture…

Italy, new job, surgery #2 & possible complication

March 29, 2013May 10, 20131 Comment

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written, and I’m pleased to say it’s because life has been busy! Some big news items for the last few weeks include my trip to Italy, starting a new job and finding a new surgeon/scheduling my second surgery.

Italy

I went to Italy for nine days with my dad; it was beautiful and special. We spent the majority of the time in Rome, but took a day trip to the coast and a day trip to Florence. We were in Rome long enough to see all of the major historical places and take time to experience the culture as well. We ate a ton of pasta and pizza and drank a lot of wine–It was fantastic. It also felt great to master the train system within Rome and walk all day, every day (It made eating pasta and pizza every day acceptable 😉 ).

My top 5 favorite places/things:

Michelangelo’s statue of David (in Florence)
Vatican museum and tour (Sistine Chapel)
St. Peter’s Basilica and square (We were able to watch the Pope’s inauguration there, too)
The Colosseum (the Rome marathon was happening around it when I went to see it!; see below)
Il Peperone (restaurant we went to twice because we liked it so much the first time. Amazing gelato and the waiter remembered us!)

For all of my pictures check out my public albums on Facebook: Album 1, Album 2.

New job

The Monday I returned from Italy, I had a final round interview which included a presentation I had to give to a group, including the CEO. Jet-lagged and all, I landed the job and started the next day! I am now working for a detective agency downtown Chicago and my job is in social media marketing. It’s a fast-pace environment, and I truly feel as though my input is highly valued. It’s great to be have some place to be and to have a team to work with. Since surgery last August, I’ve been really seeking an opportunity to get back out there, and I’m so happy to have one.

Second Surgery

The most recent news came yesterday. My last post mentioned my needle biopsies, but I never followed up to say all of those samples came back positive for cancer. However, I was anticipating this news, so I wasn’t surprised when my endocrinologist said it is certain I need another surgery. Unfortunately, he also said he thinks much of what remains was probably left behind in the first surgery, so he told me I needed to look for a new surgeon. This was sad news for me, because my surgeon has been the most responsive and caring of all of my doctors. He’s my favorite, but I was directed elsewhere.

Yesterday, I met with a new surgeon who is nationally recognized and part of University of Illinois at Chicago Hospital–a nationally recognized hospital as well. After waiting 2.5 hours to see the surgeon, I could tell he’s very intelligent and experienced. Even though he isn’t the most compassionate person I’ve met, I can tell he will do a great job. He said they would be entering in the same incision and then extending it a little further up the left side, because they need to remove lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, from up near my jaw, to behind my collar bone. He also told me they’ll be able to remove scar tissue and my scar will likely be even slimmer than it is now. This was all good to know and not to far from what I was expecting. By the end of all of this, I swear I’m going to have the most slender neck you’ve ever seen! Some people get liposuction, I just get major organs and lymph nodes removed. Cheers!

However, he did bring some slightly scary news that I wasn’t ready for. Part way through our visit, he led me to another room and decided to do a Laryngoscopy to see my vocal chords (that’s a terrible and bizarre feeling, by the way). He said there’s enough remaining in the thyroid bed that there is concern of damaging my vocal chords in surgery. To help prevent this, they will be putting a special tube down my throat during surgery to hopefully help prevent permanent damage. However, in doing this, he said my vocal chords will be stretched and I will likely have damaged chords for 1-6 months AND this still doesn’t ensure no permanent damage. I wasn’t prepared for this.

I didn’t really tell many people after the first surgery, but my lower singing register was damaged/removed through the surgery. I can start singing chromatically descending down a scale and suddenly it’ll just drop off–no sound. It was hard to come to terms with this, and the thought of any further damage to my singing or speaking voice is very scary to me. Music is such a large part of my life, and while most people know I play instruments, I don’t know how many people (unless you knew me growing up), know how much singing means to me. If I lose my voice, I just don’t know… It also worries me to think about how this could effect my law school start, but one day at a time. Surgery is scheduled for April 26.

HOWEVER, maybe I will just develop a sexy raspy sounds-like-I’ve-been-smoking-for-fifty-years kind of voice, and then I can pursue singing jazz in a night club as a part-time gig for the rest of my life. I’d be OK with that.

Needle biopsy, Round 2

March 9, 2013May 10, 20135 Comments

There has been quite a development and shift of events since my last post. I was under the impression I wasn’t going to be able to have my needle biopsy done until after Italy. Well, turns out the scheduling person was confused by the two appointments I scheduled with her. She told me I was having another ultrasound this week and my appointment April 2 was my biopsy.

I got a call this week with instructions for my “procedure” Thursday. I was confused because they told me not to eat 8 hours before and this shouldn’t matter with an ultrasound. After several transferred phone calls and several confused hospital staff members, I learned I was having my biopsy this week (two days a go) and my appointment April 2 (which they said was also a biopsy) is the follow up.

Apparently my endocrinologist wanted to make sure he saw me as soon as possible after my trip to Italy and after he returns (he’s gone for over week after I get back). Even though he is fully booked through April, he scheduled me for my follow up to discuss results of my biopsy, the first slot he could on the day he gets back, which happens to be a slot reserved for biopsies. This is what confused everyone. The hospital schedule has me in a biopsy slot, but only because my doctor was adamant about seeing me then. It certainly brought some comfort to know my new endocrinologist would go out of his way to fit me in as soon as possible when he returns.

First Needle Biopsy (August 2012)

My first needle biopsy was our first attempt to learn if I have cancer. Most people know I am stubborn when it comes to pain, and I can mentally convince myself something doesn’t hurt. I must admit I take some pride in my ability to not cry in physically painful situations. There have been few times when I haven’t been able to hold back tears.

I vividly remember my first needle biopsy. They were only sampling one spot, so they didn’t numb me. However, it was a particularly difficult spot to biopsy, so it took them four times to get useful cells. I was fine the first three sticks, but the fourth time I couldn’t control it anymore, and I started to cry. Still, it was also one of the most tender moments for me, because while my eyes were closed and I silently cried, my surgeon gently dabbed my eyes and cheeks with a tissue. He was very sweet, and while I was in there alone, he made me feel cared for.

Second Needle Biopsy (March 2013)

I had my second needle biopsy Thursday, March 7, and this time around was a different experience and unfortunately, more painful. I went to a different hospital, because my endocrinologist ordered the tests, not my primary doctor. As a result, instead of having one nurse and my trusted surgeon, I had two doctors, and two medical residents around me at different points in time. It was louder, busier and a less private appointment. At least one of the male residents was flirting with me between the ultrasound and biopsies. hah. 😉

My biopsy last fall dealt with a lymph node that was very easy to feel and see from the outside of my neck. This time, however, I was getting a biopsy because several spots appeared on my scan after radiation treatment. Because they are not obvious to touch, they were using an ultrasound to find where they were going to biopsy and then they went into each spot.

I have had a few ultrasounds on my neck by now and most of the time they put a ton of gel and while it feels weird, it doesn’t bother me at all. This time, however, they put very little gel on my neck and they pushed so hard on my neck that it actually hurt… a lot. I was anticipating the biopsies to hurt, but not the ultrasound. Unfortunately, I already started to tear up before any needles touched my skin.

Then the doctor came in to prep me for the biopsies. He told me they decided to biopsy four spots on the right (even though there are also spots on the left), and they would numb each spot. Well, unfortunately each time they numbed me, they went in twice with a needle–once deep and once right under the skin–each time injecting a burning, painful solution for about 45 seconds. With four biopsied spots, this meant eight painful numbing injections, not to mention the biopsies themselves. The last spot also required a much larger needle, which finished off the procedure with quite the bang.

Each biopsy, they shimmied the needle back and forth on the masses under my skin, shaving off cells to use as samples. Needless to say, as the numbness wore off the next couple hours, some intense soreness and pain lingered from the internal damage done. Two days later, there is still some remaining soreness.

However, I did laugh quite a bit when I first saw myself after the procedure. They used an orange sterilizing solution on my neck which had the appearance of a terrible fake tan, and the accumulation of all the numbing made the right side of my face numb and eye droopy. It was quite the sight.

I’m very happy this is over, but even more pleased to hear that I should hear my results Tuesday, (March 12), before I go to Italy. I was concerned they would hold out until my appointment April 2 to tell me anything. It would be hard to wait nearly a month to hear results. No matter what though, I’ll be headed to Rome on Wednesday with my dad, and I can’t wait.

Current Soundtrack

You call me out upon the waters.
The Great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery;
In oceans deep my faith will stand.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Your Grace abounds in the deepest waters.
Your Sovereign hand will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me;
You’ve never failed
And you won’t stop now.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my saviour.

I will call upon your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in your embrace
I am yours and you are mine.

Thyroid cancer follow up scan

February 27, 2013May 10, 20135 Comments

Today I met with my endocrinologist to discuss the results of my first tests done since radiation (neck ultrasound and blood work). The goal was to see if the radiation I was given after my full thyroidectomy and radical neck dissection surgery had taken care of anything remaining.

Unfortunately, not only does it appear radiation did not take care of everything, there is increased soft tissue density in comparison to the scans taken when I was unexpectedly hospitalized a few weeks after radiation. As a result, it is likely I will have to undergo another surgery sometime in the next couple months. While it cannot be confirmed right now, my doctor said he would be very surprised if the tissue was benign, because:

The tissue has increased
I had about 3x the amount of radiation the normal patient receives, and if there was any remaining loose tissue that was not cancerous, it should’ve all been killed off by the level of dose
I have high thyroglobulin levels, which is considered a “tumor marker.” If everything was gone, they would expect the level to be less than 0.1–my level is 4.2.
There was one mass they were able to measure as 1.3 x 0.7 x 1.1 cm (which is pretty large, especially in the tight muscle grouping in the neck), and several smaller masses.

So what now?

March 7: Another ultrasound to see what kind of change there has been since the last scan (about 3.5 weeks will have gone by).
March 13-22: My dad and I go to ITALY! He has business for only three of the days and the rest of the time we will be able to spend together exploring. We might even go on a day or two trip to Greece while we’re there! I couldn’t be more excited for the time away. Growing up, whenever we went out as a family we’d say we’re going to “party like a bunch of Norwegians:” 🙂
April 2: Needle biopsy of all the masses they are most concerned about after the ultrasound
End of April/Beginning of May, surgery?

The good news is, we are very close to the right dosage of thyroid medication! We are hardly a fraction away, and because I’m awesome, I don’t even take a dosage that they manufacture now. I take one pill everyday and once a week I take one and a half pills. Because it is a long-acting drug which accumulates over time, I’m able to do this. Science is fascinating, isn’t it?!

It seems like such a prolonged timeline. It’s hard to believe because of my endocrinologist’s availability, It’ll be over a month until the biopsy. I’m trusting nothing drastic will happen between now and then–we’ll see. I really shouldn’t be complaining, it is such a privilege to have access to these kinds of tests and facilities. It’s humbling.

If I have surgery, they will follow up with another scan three months later to see if I need radiation or if I’m clear…this will once again be around the time I am supposed to start law school. I am PRAYING this doesn’t come full-circle. It would be disheartening to begin another year and have to pull-out again for medical reasons. We’ll cross that bridge later, I have scholarship applications to finish 😉

Overall, I am doing very well with this less-than-pleasant news. I’m at peace and calm. Right now, the main concern I really have is if surgery will interfere with the Indianapolis mini-marathon I plan to run on May 4. 🙂

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

The Justice Conference and Film Festival recap

February 25, 2013February 25, 20133 Comments

What an incredibly exhausting weekend. I just spent the last five days in Philly for The Justice Conference and The Justice Film Festival. It was such a blast to be there with Venture Expeditions. Their community was the most at-home I have felt since I moved to Chicago.

Our first night there, a few of us ran around some of the sites at night (Rocky steps, the Liberty Bell, etc.). We also saw a beautiful view of the skyline.

The weekend reaffirmed my passion and call to a life of justice-seeking. It challenged my commitment to the poor, and consequently inspired and encouraged me in the 1000 miles “Run Free for the Border” challenge. The film festival was radical and I was thankful for great story-telling with raw, unedited content. The films were my favorite part of the whole experience.

However, the most influential part of the weekend had little to do with the conference. I was at dinner with a Venture friend, and four strangers who work for or are connected to International Justice Mission. Part way through our meal, I had a burning desire to tell them my story and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I prayed, “God, right now? You want me to tell then right now?” Just moments later, I was prompted by one of the strangers with a question that naturally led to my story, and I shared.

It was challenging, embarrassing and nerve-wracking. I don’t like having all attention on myself in groups of people (especially those I don’t know) for long periods of time, so I always tend to cliff-note, abbreviate and pass through what I have to say as quickly as I can. I always have the mentality, “Am I boring them? They don’t want to know all of this.” I assume on my blog, people can stop reading whenever they want 😉 While I still left out much of the details, I slowed down and explained myself more than I usually do. It was a growing experience.

I never realized how much of an introvert I am, until I uprooted to Chicago without promise of making friends or connections through school or a job. I have deeply turned inward and find it more difficult than ever to branch out.

Quotes from the weekend:

“Heroes are ordinary people sick and tired of trying to be neutral.” Micah Bournes

“We ought to be sharing that stewardship with the poor. But the poor need something more than materialism.” Dr. John M. Perkins

“All mankind was created in the image of God. People don’t have to do anything to earn dignity.” Dr. Perkins

“You’ve got to have affirmation that God has called you to justice, and you will always come back to that voice.” Dr. Perkins

“We live out our call most fully when we are a community of faith with arms wrapped about a community of pain.” Dr. Perkins

“We must not only recover justice. We must recover prayer.” Gary Haugen

“When the grass looks greener on the other side, God wants us to water the grass we are on.” Eugene Cho

“We must be honest at how laborious and messy pursuing God and doing justice is.” Cho

“We might be living amongst the most overrated generation. People are constantly telling us how we’re going to change the world.” Cho

“Seek justice. Love your neighbor. These two imperatives do not conflict.” Dr. Nicholas Wolterstorff

Regarding poverty: “It doesn’t matter how they got there. They are past that now. It’s not up to you to ask ‘how.'” Dr. Brenda Salter McNeil

Film Festival Favorites:

Every movie this weekend was excellent, and I truly enjoyed the experience (even if it meant I sat watching the films for more than 13 hours straight 😉 ) I chose my top three favorite films, which you can find below. I strongly encourage you to watch the trailers and also consider watching the films.

1) NEFARIOUS: MERCHANT OF SOULS: a hard-hitting documentary that exposes the disturbing trends in modern sex slavery.

I had been anxiously waiting to watch this documentary since it was released. It was absolutely excellent: raw, realistic, informative and gut-wrenching. I want to show this film to every person I know.

Nefarious: Merchant of Souls Official Trailer from Exodus Cry on Vimeo.

2) RAPE FOR PROFIT: Realities of sex-trafficking in the U.S. (Seattle).

While this is another documentary on sex-trafficking, it is based in Seattle and brings a completely different perspective with even more gripping interviews and raw footage. Another must-see.

Rape For Profit – Theatrical Trailer from RapeForProfitFilm on Vimeo.

3) I AM: “We started by asking what’s wrong with the world, and ended up discovering what’s right with it.” –Director Tom Shadyac, Four-time People’s Choice Award winner (Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Liar Liar, The Nutty Professor, Bruce Almighty).

I was blown away by this film! I shook Tom Shadyac’s hand about four years a go in LA, and thought he seemed like an interesting guy (I mean, he DID direct two of my favorite comedies). However, this film was such a different journey. After he was in a serious accident and struggled with the thought of dying, Shadyac decided to take a film crew around the world asking the question “What’s wrong with the world?” to several influential leaders.

It was the most intellectually stimulating film of the weekend as well, as it explored the scientific proof that we are all connected. He challenged “Happiness=more stuff” and radically changed his approach to life through the process.

Stepping outside comfortable

February 9, 2013May 10, 20132 Comments

Several months have gone by, and part of me has become over-the-moon excited to jump into law school this fall. There’s a burning desire to go and challenge myself in a way I have never been challenged and to be a fraction closer to making an impact in this world.

Coupled with this certainty is the ever-present anxiety, doubt and fear. I have read and heard countless times how important it is to choose a career path concurrent with your talents and natural gifts. However, I have not read much literature encouraging people to step out into uncharted territory and pursue a dream that is so far from what is natural for them.

When I think of my natural gifts, I think music, teaching and writing. Part of me always reverts back to this, because I know I could pursue these arts for the rest of my life, be somewhat successful and my cup would be filled.

Still, I can’t help the deep-seeded desire to impact the world through law. The seed was planted nearly four years a go, and its root is deep now. My heart continues to be broken for those enslaved today, and the smallest bit of empathy I have learned through my health struggle through the last six months has only made it stronger.

People who have known me since I was little are still taken back and slightly confused by the path I am pursuing. As I mentioned, it does not seem natural for me. However, I can’t help but feel as though the Lord will bless me on this journey. I can’t help but know this desire of my heart is pure.
—
I was just reminded of the story of Moses. God calls Moses to be a spokesman and Moses basically says, “But really, I’m terrible at speaking, I’m not the right guy for you.” Then God more or less says, “Really?” and then He assures Moses He will give him the right words and direction. I sometimes feel like I have the same conversation with God.

Lydia: But law? I’m so awkward and I am not suave enough.
God: Really? Did you forget who I am? I’ll be right there with you–you have nothing to worry about.
—
The injustices of the world today will only truly be challenged when people devote their entire lives to seeing even the most minute change. I have heard the length of time it takes for a single case to finish, for a handful of people to be rescued and for societal norms to adjust so these injustices are prevented from happening again.

I can’t help but feel so deeply called to this life, I am ready to do what it takes. I know it may not feel natural for me, I know won’t be easy, and I know it won’t be comfortable, but this is where Jesus steps in. I am remaining open to His guidance as I make my final decisions leading up to this fall, and I pray I am susceptible to whatever it is He draws me to next, and I pray my heart is brought closer to His and closer to those His heart aches for–the poor, the weak, the hurting.

“In different times and in different ways, our [God] offers us a simple proposition: Follow me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd – and you will experience me and my power and my wisdom and my love.” Gary Haugen, Just Courage

Learning to grieve and finding hope

February 4, 2013May 10, 20133 Comments

I can’t believe it is already February!

I went to Minneapolis a little over a week ago to visit a bunch of friends from my cycling tour this last summer, as well as my dear friend Andrea from drum corps who I hadn’t seen since 2008 DCI finals. Seeing this group was refreshing and filled my spirit, but it was also very challenging.

Andrea and I in Minneapolis.

Learning to Grieve

The weekend in Minneapolis surfaced emotions I suppressed throughout this healing process. I realized I am beginning to grieve, and I am beginning to understand more deeply that nothing will ever be the same. As an optimistic person, coming to this realization was difficult (and even harder to admit on here–my pride sometimes gets in the way). Cognitively I have known this from the start, but emotionally and spiritually I hadn’t let it sink in.

The weight of this realization is heavy and I humbly ask for your prayer and support as I move forward and begin to grasp the beauty of what lies ahead. Having control and an understanding of my body (metabolism, energy, weight, etc.) brought me confidence and I realize now, much of my worth and self-image. I will never have the ability to completely control these aspects of my life again, and I’m going to have to deal with it –and I am.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Law School

Last week I received my acceptance letter from Chicago-Kent College of Law. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that were paired with receiving this letter. I immediately remembered when I received the same letter last year, sitting in my apartment in California. I remember the day I chose to uproot and move across the country again, and the peace that came when I put the letter on our fridge after making my decision. It’s been quite the ride to get to this point.

Maybe I’ll wait to put it on the fridge this time, until after I begin classes 😉

Many of you know I woke up from surgery last August and found a video tweeted to me by a professor I would have had for 1L Contracts. He sent me a tweet of my would-have-been classmates cheering for me. It was a very memorable and special moment–it made me feel remembered and cared about by people I have never met. You can watch the video here: http://telly.com/LJGI6.

This weekend, I received another encouraging note by a stranger:

Finding Hope

Little moments like this bring me hope and peace. I struggle with days where I feel useless, embarrassed and guilty for not already finding full-time work or school, and feeling as though I’m disappointing those who know my drive and my passion to be on the move and help people in more explicit ways. While there is a level of irrationality in this, I think it comes full circle, back to the grieving process.

I hope my transparency doesn’t come across as “woe-is-me.” I believe it is important to be honest about this walk, and I am learning not to undermine some of the deepest struggles I have faced, internally and externally. I pray that people who are walking through similar situations will find this blog honest and true, and not glamorizing or overly dramatic.

Again, thank for reading my words and being part of this journey with me. Your encouragement has been steadfast and appreciated–you are loved.

Finding my wings

January 24, 2013May 10, 2013Leave a comment

For the first time since my life was flipped upside down last August, life seems to be moving swiftly, and I feel less of a stranger in the city I live in, the city I’ve grown to love. I’m making friends, creating memories, experiencing new things and living in an apartment I love calling home, with a roommate I adore.

I’ve also been traveling a lot lately and will be over the next couple months. I’ve been down to Indy a few times to see my little nephew Oliver, and I spent time with my parents while they were here from California. It has been such a blessing being driving distance from my brother, sister-in-law and Oliver. I forgot what it was like to have family close, and I’m soaking it up.

My beautiful parents, brother, sister-in-law and nephew.

Tomorrow I will be heading up to Minneapolis (for the first time) and spending time with a bunch of special people to me. I will be seeing my dear friend Andrea who I marched Bluecoats with nearly five years a go and haven’t seen since.

Then, I will be spending the rest of the weekend with a bunch of people from my Venture Expeditions community–many of whom I cycled 500 miles with this summer to raise money for International Justice Mission. Please take a moment to watch this video about Venture and consider joining a trip this summer, it’s life-changing!

I haven’t seen several of my Venture friends since we ended our tour, and I cannot wait to be reunited. Among the group will be my sweet friend Una, who will be coming in from NYC. Una was the person who ultimately convinced me to go to the doctor last July, which lead to my diagnosis. Without her, I really don’t know how things would be today…

In less than a month, I will be traveling to Philly for The Justice Conference, and I could not be more excited. This conference encompasses everything I am passionate about, and I look forward to being with like-minded people and making new connections. I will likely be staying in the area for a couple days post-conference with another person I marched drum corps with, and spending some time in NYC!

The Justice Conference will come a couple days after my next neck ultrasound, to check if I need another round of radiation. Praying I’ll be able to say I’m “cancer free” when I’m headed out to the east coast! Obviously, I’d prefer not to go through another round of radiation, but we’ll see!

For now, I am just enjoying the time focusing on gaining strength and energy, running daily, experiencing Chicago and traveling to see friends and family. I have been babysitting, freelancing and continuing to apply for jobs, but I am embracing this time right now. I’m learning to enjoy freedom; I think I’m finding my wings. Please let me know if you’d like a visit, I can put you on my calendar :-D. Who knows, Airfarewatchdog is making flying around the U.S. less daunting financially, too.

OH YEAH, and there’s a chance I’ll be going to Italy with my dad in March on his business trip. I have been itching to go overseas, and if this pans out, I will be so happy!

Run Free for the Border

As I mentioned in my last post, with a group of 18+ other people, I am challenging myself to run 1000 miles (about 20 miles/week) and save $1000 throughout 2013. This money will send food to the Thai/Burmese border. With 18 people participating, we will run 18,000 miles and provide 274,000 meals for Burmese Refugees.

Since January 1, I have run almost 50 of the 1000 miles. I’ve been running almost a 5k a day, resting one day a week and pushing myself hard with pace. It’s been a bit of a challenge–my energy level is still very depreciated. In any event, I’ve been doing some interval training to hopefully help get my mile time back down.

Since surgery, my mile time is still one to two minutes slower than it used to be, and since it takes me that much longer to complete a mile, running 3+ miles daily is time consuming and also sometimes a little overwhelming for my body. I’ve been listening to my body, though, and making sure I rest when I need to (this is a huge accomplishment for me–I’m normally stubborn to my body and clock in miles no matter what, but seriously health issues can change that mentality 🙂 ). The last thing I want to do is set myself back by pushing it when I shouldn’t.

Perspective

“Over the course of conversation and the reading of a book, I’ve been wondering. Teeming with questions that I’d never thought of, and some answers would be welcome. I think the most troubling thing is that whatever answers I would receive could not be absolute. I want to mean something to the world. I want to mean something to culture. I want to mean something to somebody. I don’t want to be a mere phantasm. Here one moment and gone with the wind from your mind the next. I want to last.” – John Dybdall (1/2/86-1/24/09)

I can’t believe today marks four years since your passing. However, John, you’re lasting, this I know for sure. We miss you.

It’s a new year.

January 9, 2013May 10, 2013Leave a comment

It is just over a week since the new year, and it has already been an eventful year. January 2 was my 23 birthday and early in the morning my sweet nephew Oliver was born! I am already in love with this little boy and we get to share our special day for the rest of our lives–I feel privileged.

Aunt Lydia and her little lamb, Oliver Daniel.

I spent a couple days in Indianapolis visiting my brother, sister-in-law and little Oliver. It was such a special time. I can honestly say, he has been such an inspiration of hope for me the last few months. I have been looking forward to his arrival, and I find some redemption in his birth on my birthday. Thankful for this little miracle.

When I returned to Chicago, my friend Matt was in town from California for his brother’s wedding. Matt and I played music in the Blue Devils and RCC indoor percussion for three years together, and it was wonderful seeing a familiar face. We ended up at a blues club that plays live music seven days a week. It was an awesome find.

New Year Resolutions

Some people are wary of new year resolutions and skeptical. I have never made many in the past, but I think the idea is lovely. It is a chance to make a fresh start and try to challenge ourselves and grow. This year I have made a few commitments and with so many questions about my future right now, they have rejuvenated my drive and given me a renewed sense of purpose.

First, I will be more available. Bob Goff, in his book Love Does, encourages his readers to be more readily available to others. He specifically refers to answering the phone, and not letting it go to voicemail. I am going to be much better about this, and this will be a huge challenge for me.

I have never been a huge fan of talking on the phone. I’m awkward, I often pace while I’m on the phone, and I never know how to end a conversation naturally. It seems silly right? If you have talked on the phone with me, you’ve probably quickly noticed this. In any event, I am putting my fear aside and being much more readily willing to answer the phone and not let it go to voicemail. Call me? 🙂

Second, I am going to learn how to live more sacrificially. With a group of 18+ other people, I am challenging myself to run 1000 miles (about 20 miles/week) and save $1000 throughout 2013. This money will send food to the Thai/Burmese border. With 18 people participating, we will run 18,000 miles and provide 274,000 meals for Burmese Refugees.

I hesitated to write about this, because I do not want this to come off as just as another “cool” thing I’m doing and to come across prideful. I share this will you in an attempt to share our deep rooted desire to grasp what it means to respond to biblical justice and respond to God’s heart for the poor and needy.

A friend of mine initiated this goal and talked about his goal to live more dangerously, sacrificially and generously in 2013. I am thankful for this challenge and for another year to seek those things that stir God’s heart–how special it is that he allows us to respond and participate in his story of justice.

Health Update

I have returned to the weight I was before I was diagnosed last August. I never gained that much, but it was enough for me to notice and enough to struggle emotionally. I had no control over my body, and it was certainly a struggle. It didn’t matter how much I went to the gym, how little I ate or how much I slept (or didn’t sleep), my body responded to the lack of thyroid and medication however it pleased.

I have always been able to control and maintain my health and body, and I didn’t realize how much I took that for granted. All of this was taken from me the last few months, and I was not emotionally or mentally prepared for it. I am thankful for the struggle and the time I had to spend reaffirming my identity without the exterior I was used to. I’ve always been confident in who I am, but I didn’t realize how much I depended on my physical strength to present this confidence.

Lydia Joy Sharp

striving to act justly, love mercy, walk humbly

Category: Reflection