Gabby is one of the most beautiful, humble, incredible friends I have ever had. I get the privilege to work with her in two different places throughout the week and share many laughs and life stories.

Take a listen to this spoken word poem and let your heart and soul be captivated.

You’re such a wonderful, inspiring woman, Gabby and I am so thankful for your friendship!

“What’s it going to look like for you to dress for the wedding, not the gas station, because I promise you this: when you see the sun stand still, when you experience God doing the impossible, when you get to the wedding, the place God has prepared for you, you’ll be awfully glad that you didn’t take your cues from the people at the gas station. You’ll be glad you dressed your life for the place you’re going, not the place where you are.”

The Short Film Series – Part 6, Dress for the Wedding from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

Oh, Jesus. I want to leave so badly. I want to go somewhere where I belong. I don’t know where that is, or who is there, but it can’t be here. Can it?

I feel like I could hide away for weeks.

Oh, God. Please help me regain respect for myself and not let myself be used…knowingly. Jesus, I beg You for Your comfort and Your love that is longer, wider, higher, deeper than any love on this earth I desire.

Heavenly Father, I pray for peace with being alone. I pray for acceptance that all things are in Your time. Help me guard my heart, Healer.

Help me seek first Your kingdom, Jesus.

I love you.

Psalm 27

¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

² When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

³ Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

⁴ One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

⁶ And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.

⁸ When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.”

⁹ Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

¹⁰ For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.

¹² Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.

¹³ I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Advice from my Cheesecake Factory waiter this evening.

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As many of you know, these past six months have been testing me emotionally, spiritually, physically, and there are several situations that factor into this. As I have look toward the future and analyze how I spent the past couple years, I have been left in a sort of  “controlled panic.” I can remain in control of my appearance, while on the inside, I occasionally reach panic mode.

Realizing that my future is so up in the air right now, leaves me constantly thinking about possibilities. Realizing that I am 21, single and about to graduate from a university that is known for producing marriages, leaves me sometimes wondering my problem is (OK, that took a lot of letting go of pride to admit that, go easy). Realizing that I have so much life ahead of me that I can experience now, no matter if I am alone for one month or for the rest of my life, leaves me with my bags packed and ready to go.

—

Law school applications become available tomorrow. Pray.

—

Now, on another note, I had a surprising encounter with a voice from heaven today.

Mom came down from norcal with some colleagues for some meetings, and she had time to grab dinner with me. We went to The Cheesecake Factory and I never expected to have the brief encounter we had with our waiter.

My mom was talking with me about my law school applications, but as I was talking about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about how some part of me desperately wants to travel, leave and experience the world. I was thinking how uncertain I am about about the whole application process and what God has in store for me in the immediate and long-term future. Right then, our waiter came up, unannounced…

He was a middle-aged, married, black man with a voice that sounded as smooth as his gentle hand gestures looked as he spoke of baked potato soup. He spoke with eyes searching the skies for clarification, seemingly forming his sentences from an unknown source.  Initially, I took the minimal eye contact as lack of preparation for the job, as he looked upwards, slowly reciting the specials.  However, as the night progressed, I grew to understand his deliberate care taken with each word.

He came up to the table (it was clear, however, that he hadn’t heard anything we had just been talking about), and said to me,

“I’m going to offer you some advice. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and I want to give you three pieces of advice to never forget.”

I was thinking, “This should be good,” and answered wittily, “Oh really?” I laughed.

“Yes,” he said,

“First of all, Don’t rush. Ever. For anything. Take time to breathe, relax. Go for a drive sometime on the freeway, and take your time. Don’t rush, leave early. People may honk at you, let them. People may pass you, let them. Just breathe and smile. Fifty years from now, it won’t matter, take time to take life in.
“The second piece of advice I can give you is, don’t settle, for anything or anyone. Ever. No matter how good it looks, no matter how good it makes you feel…don’t settle. Don’t prevent yourself from finding something better.
“The third piece of advice I want to give you is, don’t be sorry. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and don’t ever be sorry for that. There is a very rare group of men out here, but we are here, and you will meet someone who will appreciate that more than you know. So, don’t be sorry, embrace it and don’t let it go.”

Wow. He did not realize that each bullet point of advice spoke directly into a three different areas of my life that have been consuming my mind constantly. It took more control than I anticipated to not tear up during his last statement.

As much as I put on a smile and convince others (and try to convince myself) that I don’t worry about future relationships or finding someone to appreciate me, for me, it’s a very real fear.

—

Who am I though to try this on my own? I need to rest in the Lord and to continue to seek His wisdom through these trials. How incredibly cliche that sounds… but I want nothing more than to rest in Him, and to relinquish control of my future to Him.

—

Don’t rush.

Don’t settle.

Don’t be sorry.

I haven’t written in a while, because I’ve been kind of hiding in a cave. Going on a month and half in the apartment alone, and until family came to visit, I was slowly driving myself into the ground, emotionally and physically. Going to the gym everyday for over an hour and half and sitting at home alone nearly every day.

I have a couple of wonderful close friends in the area still (more now that DCI tour ended), but they have families, and I have begun to feel like a burden. Though they never made me feel like one, I convinced myself that I was too much.

—–

My mom came to visit and we had a couple nice days together and especially enjoyed time at Huntington Beach for the US Open of Surfing.  It was a perfect day and just a wonderful way to take in some sun.  It was beautiful.

This past week, my best friend and cousin, Melissa came to visit.  Melissa and I have always been extremely close, since childhood.  Since moving from the Chicago area to Indiana and then to Cali, our time together has become less and less, often just once a year endeavors that last only a few days.

In any event, as we have aged, our relationship has only strengthened and matured. Having her stay with me for a week in California was the longest time we have spent together since we were very little. It was wonderful spending the week enjoying being young, but also enjoying being young adults and going out and making memories in new ways.

Her last day here we went and got partially matching tattoos. It was a lot of fun. She got hers on her foot and I got mine on my side. We were both troopers and didn’t tear up or stop during the process.  Mine took over an hour and a half and I didn’t take a break or cry. My artist was impressed 🙂

Melissa in front of our tattoo parlor

Melissa's tattoo: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Right before getting my tattoo

My tattoo, notice Melissa and I used the same dove.

—–

On another note, I had an unexpected, unnecessary run-in with reality today.  I almost got sick, and I didn’t hold it together. I had approximately six minutes to go outside, let it out, get it together and go back to work. Ouch.

—–

I am BEYOND ready to apply to law schools, and hopefully move back toward home.  The longer I live here, the longer I feel displaced. Well, I never felt like I belonged, really.

I have friends that mean the world to me here and I will miss them terribly if this all goes through, but I just pray unceasingly that I can start law school closer to family. Closer to Melissa, my brother and sister-in-law in the Midwest or at least norcal near my parents.  I can’t do this living nowhere near family deal, any longer, at least as I see the reality of being single for quite a while longer.  It would be a different story if I were serious with anyone, but nope.

I am thankful though, that I will be able to pick things up, yet again and get plugged into a new school and network. I will be applying in less than a month! Looking mainly in Illinois and New York. Let a new season of life begin.