Oh, Jesus. I want to leave so badly. I want to go somewhere where I belong. I don’t know where that is, or who is there, but it can’t be here. Can it?

I feel like I could hide away for weeks.

Oh, God. Please help me regain respect for myself and not let myself be used…knowingly. Jesus, I beg You for Your comfort and Your love that is longer, wider, higher, deeper than any love on this earth I desire.

Heavenly Father, I pray for peace with being alone. I pray for acceptance that all things are in Your time. Help me guard my heart, Healer.

Help me seek first Your kingdom, Jesus.

I love you.

Psalm 27

¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

² When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

³ Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

⁴ One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

⁶ And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.

⁸ When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.”

⁹ Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

¹⁰ For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.

¹² Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.

¹³ I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Advice from my Cheesecake Factory waiter this evening.

—

As many of you know, these past six months have been testing me emotionally, spiritually, physically, and there are several situations that factor into this. As I have look toward the future and analyze how I spent the past couple years, I have been left in a sort of  “controlled panic.” I can remain in control of my appearance, while on the inside, I occasionally reach panic mode.

Realizing that my future is so up in the air right now, leaves me constantly thinking about possibilities. Realizing that I am 21, single and about to graduate from a university that is known for producing marriages, leaves me sometimes wondering my problem is (OK, that took a lot of letting go of pride to admit that, go easy). Realizing that I have so much life ahead of me that I can experience now, no matter if I am alone for one month or for the rest of my life, leaves me with my bags packed and ready to go.

—

Law school applications become available tomorrow. Pray.

—

Now, on another note, I had a surprising encounter with a voice from heaven today.

Mom came down from norcal with some colleagues for some meetings, and she had time to grab dinner with me. We went to The Cheesecake Factory and I never expected to have the brief encounter we had with our waiter.

My mom was talking with me about my law school applications, but as I was talking about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about how some part of me desperately wants to travel, leave and experience the world. I was thinking how uncertain I am about about the whole application process and what God has in store for me in the immediate and long-term future. Right then, our waiter came up, unannounced…

He was a middle-aged, married, black man with a voice that sounded as smooth as his gentle hand gestures looked as he spoke of baked potato soup. He spoke with eyes searching the skies for clarification, seemingly forming his sentences from an unknown source.  Initially, I took the minimal eye contact as lack of preparation for the job, as he looked upwards, slowly reciting the specials.  However, as the night progressed, I grew to understand his deliberate care taken with each word.

He came up to the table (it was clear, however, that he hadn’t heard anything we had just been talking about), and said to me,

“I’m going to offer you some advice. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and I want to give you three pieces of advice to never forget.”

I was thinking, “This should be good,” and answered wittily, “Oh really?” I laughed.

“Yes,” he said,

“First of all, Don’t rush. Ever. For anything. Take time to breathe, relax. Go for a drive sometime on the freeway, and take your time. Don’t rush, leave early. People may honk at you, let them. People may pass you, let them. Just breathe and smile. Fifty years from now, it won’t matter, take time to take life in.
“The second piece of advice I can give you is, don’t settle, for anything or anyone. Ever. No matter how good it looks, no matter how good it makes you feel…don’t settle. Don’t prevent yourself from finding something better.
“The third piece of advice I want to give you is, don’t be sorry. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and don’t ever be sorry for that. There is a very rare group of men out here, but we are here, and you will meet someone who will appreciate that more than you know. So, don’t be sorry, embrace it and don’t let it go.”

Wow. He did not realize that each bullet point of advice spoke directly into a three different areas of my life that have been consuming my mind constantly. It took more control than I anticipated to not tear up during his last statement.

As much as I put on a smile and convince others (and try to convince myself) that I don’t worry about future relationships or finding someone to appreciate me, for me, it’s a very real fear.

—

Who am I though to try this on my own? I need to rest in the Lord and to continue to seek His wisdom through these trials. How incredibly cliche that sounds… but I want nothing more than to rest in Him, and to relinquish control of my future to Him.

—

Don’t rush.

Don’t settle.

Don’t be sorry.

I haven’t written in a while, because I’ve been kind of hiding in a cave. Going on a month and half in the apartment alone, and until family came to visit, I was slowly driving myself into the ground, emotionally and physically. Going to the gym everyday for over an hour and half and sitting at home alone nearly every day.

I have a couple of wonderful close friends in the area still (more now that DCI tour ended), but they have families, and I have begun to feel like a burden. Though they never made me feel like one, I convinced myself that I was too much.

—–

My mom came to visit and we had a couple nice days together and especially enjoyed time at Huntington Beach for the US Open of Surfing.  It was a perfect day and just a wonderful way to take in some sun.  It was beautiful.

This past week, my best friend and cousin, Melissa came to visit.  Melissa and I have always been extremely close, since childhood.  Since moving from the Chicago area to Indiana and then to Cali, our time together has become less and less, often just once a year endeavors that last only a few days.

In any event, as we have aged, our relationship has only strengthened and matured. Having her stay with me for a week in California was the longest time we have spent together since we were very little. It was wonderful spending the week enjoying being young, but also enjoying being young adults and going out and making memories in new ways.

Her last day here we went and got partially matching tattoos. It was a lot of fun. She got hers on her foot and I got mine on my side. We were both troopers and didn’t tear up or stop during the process.  Mine took over an hour and a half and I didn’t take a break or cry. My artist was impressed 🙂

—–

On another note, I had an unexpected, unnecessary run-in with reality today.  I almost got sick, and I didn’t hold it together. I had approximately six minutes to go outside, let it out, get it together and go back to work. Ouch.

—–

I am BEYOND ready to apply to law schools, and hopefully move back toward home.  The longer I live here, the longer I feel displaced. Well, I never felt like I belonged, really.

I have friends that mean the world to me here and I will miss them terribly if this all goes through, but I just pray unceasingly that I can start law school closer to family. Closer to Melissa, my brother and sister-in-law in the Midwest or at least norcal near my parents.  I can’t do this living nowhere near family deal, any longer, at least as I see the reality of being single for quite a while longer.  It would be a different story if I were serious with anyone, but nope.

I am thankful though, that I will be able to pick things up, yet again and get plugged into a new school and network. I will be applying in less than a month! Looking mainly in Illinois and New York. Let a new season of life begin.

As humans, we try and package everything and have the same expectations for God and His plan for us.  We expect His logic to mirror ours and sometimes, this isn’t the case. We sit back and try and figure out what went wrong because life isn’t playing out according to that logic.

It’s no surprise that sometimes God says “no” to some of our desires and wishes, but this does not always mean He is disciplining or rejecting us. Sometimes it can be a re-direction. Sometimes we are pursuing His will and have wanted to do His will, and with good intentions we keep pressing on. What happens when we’re years down the line and this pursuit still hasn’t materialized?

People will try to tell you that you were never actually pursuing God’s will and leave you feeling guilty and lost.

Often we have our lives all mapped out and it doesn’t go anywhere close to according to those plans. Isn’t it possible, however, that the road we chose to travel indeed is God’s will, and his saying “no” put us on the right road?

Chuck Swindoll once said, “The thing we have to do in our walk with God is to listen carefully from day to day. Not just go back to some decision and say, ‘That’s it forever, regardless.’ We need to look at it each day, keep it fresh, keep the fire hot, keep it on the back burner, saying, ‘Lord, is this Your arrangement? Is this Your plan? If it is not, make me sensitive to it. Maybe You’re redirecting my life.'”

I guess I have been afraid that with all of my passion, dreams and goals in life that maybe I have stopped asking those questions, in fear of the response. I love what I am doing in so many areas of my life and I could see myself making a life in so many different arenas. However, I’ve had my goals and aspirations all “mapped out” for a while now and I feel like I’m quitting if I begin to earnestly seek the Lord in a possible redirection.

That’s largely a result of society.  Will people think I gave up? Will people think I lost my focus? Will people think…will people think…

I need to stop worrying about what people think and seek the One who can give me peace and direction beyond comprehension.

God, I thank you for your perseverance and Your never-ending pursuit of a relationship with me. Give me the strength the take a step back and accept a redirction for my life if that is what You desire for me.  I love You, help me to love You more. Amen.

It’s 12:15 a.m. and I just finished building a bookcase for the living room in my apartment.

I mentioned it early today, but I really do find joy in using tools. It’s something about knowing how to use the weight of each tool most efficiently, as well as the engrained care that goes along with putting sweat behind each swing of the hammer and turn of the screw driver.

Some day I hope to be as proficient in carpentry as my father and Uncle Steve.  I have grown to truly admire the art.

I’m sitting in my new apartment, that has been nearly completely furnished as of this weekend, and I am overwhelmed with how God continued to bless me and comfort me through the stressful process.

Not only did I get almost an entire apartment furnished (and nicely I might add!) via secondhand stores/Craigslist, but I was also blessed with the comforting reminder that I have some very special, generous people in my life willing to sacrifice time, energy and vehicles to help me throughout the whole process.

While I still struggle with adjusting to having very few people I know around this summer and working a lot and doing summer school, these past couple weeks have shown me just how blessed I am to have a couple of wonderful women in my life.

I’ve always been one to try and invest in every person I meet and tend to try and make friends every where I go. This is great, but I am learning the incredible value of having a couple of close female friends that I can have honest, raw dialogue with. Women that I can talk about “life, God, death and our families” (Dismantel Repair-Anberlin, came to mind right away).

When a friend will cook dinner with you and sit on your carpet to watch a movie, because you have no furniture, you know you have a genuine friend.

When a friend will run across traffic to pick up a pillow that flew off the couch she used her truck to move for you (haha…), you know you have a genuine friend.

Take a moment to think of the friends in your life that provide you with unmeasurable love and honesty. Take another moment to tell that person how much they mean to you.

Read this example of true friendship, found in the story of Ruth and Naomi.

Ruth 1:16-17 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”

There is something uniquely satisfying when you turn the pages in a book and feel the weight shift between your hands. It’s a slow, steady process, but sometimes it takes you by surprise.

The next thing you know, the volume of pages have increased so much in your left hand that you have no choice but to accept the fact that an end is drawing near. You turn the pages at a slightly slower speed, relishing each sentence, each word, each syllable for all that it is, but even with the encouraged delay, the pages march on.  You are suddenly left with a page, two paragraphs, one sentence… and it’s done.

Some books leave little impression, you finish the last word, close the book and then pick up your next read without a moment’s hesitation.

Others, however, leave you breathless, wishing the story didn’t have to end.  You are left in a standstill for what may seem like days, wondering why this story meant so much to you, why you are fighting tears and reaching for more pages that don’t exist.  Trying to digest the reason these words connected with you so deeply, you search your very being trying to find answers.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll say it again, I want to tell a story with my life.  This idea was initially encouraged by two books by Donald Miller that left me breathless, Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I want to tell a story with my life that will leave the reader fighting back tears, wanting to read more and thinking “man, what a great story.”

If we think of our lives like a novel to be published in our favorite mom and pop book store, how would we change the way we live each day?

What kind of action are you taking to create a story?  Are you passionate about something and are you doing something about it?

Are you just letting the pages be written or are you actively writing the pages with a life comprised of experiences, memories, friendship, love, heartache, conflict, resolution, and truth?

Think of your life as a story that anyone could pick up and read and see how your daily activities morph into something more meaningful to you and those who surround you.

Leave them breathless, my friends.